the chorus came from a dream.
it was the middle of the night.
I knew I had to wake up enough to record it by singing it into my phone.
it would have been gone by morning if I didn't.
songs visit that way... like birds.. songs come to me, land, take off
only when my mind is clear can a song land
the verses speak in the first person... the I is my Mother.
I wrote the story of the last days and hours of her life,
the things she said, the illusions she said she saw, how friends responded to her.
this song is a mystery to me
and the best thing I ever feel I did
in my life
it is also very sad for me to listen to, very heartbreaking and profound.
*the doctor in the song is legendary Dr. Diane Pepe-Stover, our pulmonologist at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
lyrics
“ORANGE AND SPICE”
copyright 2017 Annie Lanzillotto
Orange and spice—It’s all very lovely
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
Orange and spice—It’s all very lucky
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
I see a group—of people I tell them
I don’t know you—I don’t know—what you’re talking about!
“Next time they come—Go say Hi,” offers Audrey
The angels keep comin—They come in and out!
---
I open my eyes—I am having illusions
A little girl’s standing—in front of me
Do you see her?—She’s right beside you
I can see her—clear as can be
---
Is the girl—in a dress—asks Jessie
Yes! I say Yes! I say Yes! Although
I feel so cold now—I can’t help from trembling
My heart falls open—just like an old rose
---
Orange and spice—It’s all very lovely
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
Orange and spice—It’s all very lucky
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
---
Grandma is standing behind me with flour—behind the bed
You see her Nicole?
Angels are comin’—this all feels confusin’
Where is my pocketbook—Let’s go home.
----
Rosary beads and Ave Maria
the baby is hungry—I forgot to feed her
Am I dreaming?—The baby is screaming
Who will take care of my baby for me?
-----------
I wanna stand up now—What is happening to me!
Who will take care of you, Annie!——
“Don’t worry bout me Ma—–you gave me everything I need”
You taught me everything I need.”
-----
Orange and spice—It’s all very lovely
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
Orange and spice—It’s all very lucky
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
-----
“Will I get better?” I ask Dr. Stover—
she looks me in the eye most seriously
“You need rest Rachel, you need rest.”
Ho capito! Doctor—Capishe tutta bene.
I need rest. I need rest.—Rest sounds good to me.
---
DULCIMER BREAK
rhythm progressing up holding down bottom strings only up up up, revving the soul up
---
O! My blue pocketbook and my eyes—they won’t open
The Fentanyl drips—when I push the button
Thank You, I love you—I hear singing
Get rid of the pocketbook—“What am I going to do with that thing?”
---
Annie, I just want to stand—Can this be all?
Let’s go home—and make meatballs!
Who’ll take care of my baby without me—
I hear Annie whisper to me:
----
acapella
MAY ALL YOUR SUFFERING CEASE
MAY YOUR MIND BE AT PEACE X4
-----
Orange and spice—It’s all very lovely
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
Orange and spice—It’s all very lucky
She sits by the fire—With the girls in her eyes
---
Holy water from Medjugorie
a high pitched sound—and I’m on my way
My blood is warm all over—as I pull away
the body she stays down—but strangely I am okay
---
I am a spiraling whirlwind—just like a tornado
I am silvery gold light—being sucked into the galaxy
Spinning so fast—with the stars as my map
I hear Annie say, “Today’s your big day.
Today’s your big day!”
This is the week of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Feast.
July 13th – I become an angel this day.
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